Planet of the Apes

It is 2016, and Earth is now a planet of the apes. The apes take care of their own, advocate for their causes, and fight for their freedom through human proxies. They have done this by indoctrinating homo sapiens into believing that their own species is vile. This is why humans abort their young by the millions and abandon their elders, which not even low-brow gorillas do.

Humans fight for the apes, because they have been taught that all animals are noble. Humans are worth less than apes, because they have defiled the planet out of greed. Apes are innocent, humans, guilty; apes oppressed, humans oppressive; apes natural, humans unnatural. After thousands of years, humans still have not found their place on the planet, because there is no place for them. They are out of place, a mutant virus contaminating the natural world.

Humans hate themselves and will turn on each other with self-righteous wrath at the drop of a hat. Or a child. How dare that mother not have her child on a leash at the Cincinnati zoo! That’s what any self-respecting parent would have done. Children must be disciplined. Parents must be punished. Homo sapiens must learn that they are not “sapient” and should be ashamed of themselves.

A perfect example is the child’s father, who has an arrest record that includes burglary, drug trafficking, and illegal firearms possession. What do you expect from people like that? They must be paraded around the Internet for all to see and then re-educated.

This self-loathing among humans does not exist anywhere else and even caught the Dalai Lama by surprise. Oddly enough, it may support the belief that humans are truly distinct, except that the intelligentsia will suffer no talk of divinity or exceptionalism, not in this nihilistic Age of the Simian. We must struggle for the equality of all animals. That some animals are more equal than others should not deter us. Those previously exploited must be granted favored status. We owe them that. We will provide safe spaces for them and prosecute “haters” relentlessly. “Haters” is simply newspeak for domestic evil-doers, and they deserve the same contempt.

We are on the verge of a new world order of equality and happiness. If humans embrace it, they will finally find peace. They will no longer wage war. They will no longer need property, families, or countries– instruments of oppression, every one. They will no longer compete or strive to attain goals, for everything will be provided for them by the orangutans. They will think and act as one. Over time, if they obey their simian masters, they may gain their freedom and be paired with a mate to produce one offspring. This offspring will be handed over to the appropriate agency in Ape City at a time to be determined by said agency.

In the event any human objects to these conditions (or attains a certain age), he will be required to forfeit his pitiful life, perhaps taking comfort in the knowledge that he is making room on this overpopulated orb for someone else more deserving. If it is for a member of another species, even better. His remains will be used for landfill, which is a great deal more justice than Harambe received (Requiescat in Pace).

After all, all lives matter, except the lives that really matter.

For Planet of the Apes photo, go to IFC; protest, National Post; bottom Harambe, People. Want more? Go to Robert Brancatelli. The Brancatelli Blog is a member of The Free Media Alliance.