The other day I made the mistake of trying to brighten the screen on my desktop computer. What I discovered is that it’s not as easy as I thought. Actually, I have enough experience with technology to know it’s never easy. I don’t know why I expected this to be any different. Maybe I’m too trusting. Maybe it takes a while for me to learn my lesson. Maybe I overestimate my abilities. But I remember thinking, how hard could it be? Turns out it’s like those jokes about how many people does it take to change a light bulb.
But it’s more than technology. I blame the product design and marketing guys. For all my braggadocio about being a natural when it comes to marketing, I have no idea at all how these people think. As an example, here’s the suggestion they made to me when I couldn’t figure out how to increase the brightness of the screen. This, after playing with the function keys, scouring through settings on the control panel, and fingering the edge of the monitor for a knob as if it were an RCA Victor color television set. By the way, these instructions were given to me by some chat-bot-robot-FAQ AI thing with all the charm of the megalodon computer in the 1969 classic Colossus.
The issue, it informed me, was “dynamic lighting.” What’s dynamic lighting? you ask. I confess I have only a vague idea. But, apparently, I have to educate myself. I love it when I am told I have to educate myself. It immediately creates a power imbalance between the expert (in this case the chat persona) and me, one of the technologically unwashed in need of cleansing and de-bugging. It’s basically Gnosticism-lite disguised in the caring, even parental, authority figure of an educator, technician, consultant, or anybody in a lab coat. Just think of Covid. In any case, in response to my question about how to brighten my screen, I got this. Buckle up.
“Dynamic Lighting creates cohesion across a fragmented ecosystem. This feature provides rich end user experiences that will constantly delight users on Windows. Dynamic Lighting provides Windows users and developers with native control of lighting devices implementing the open HID LampArray standard. By adopting an open standard, and by working with our OEM and ODM partners, Microsoft seeks to improve the RGB device and software ecosystem for users by increasing interoperability of devices and apps. Device manufacturers can use standardized firmware for the first time, enabling new native experiences across the Windows OS and apps without the high costs of proprietary firmware and software development.”
Oh, good. I’m looking forward to “native experiences” and want to avoid a “fragmented ecosystem” if at all possible. There’s nothing worse than that. I am reminded of comedian Bill Burr’s complaint about having to download an app to make toast. It’s similar to my business partner, who regularly complains about the expert class. “When you ask them for the time, they tell you how to build a watch” (see The Watchmakers). But all I really wanted to do was brighten my screen, not build a watch.
But I bet you can’t guess what really set me off about “dynamic lighting.” It isn’t the jargon. I’ve ridiculed business jargon for years. Bobby Bronco even got chased out of a bar in Williamsburg for performing a standup set about it. They nearly went after him with torches. What gets me is the manipulation and bastardization of common English to make it squeeze into their technical worldview as if it were the most natural thing in the world. To wit, “LampArray standard” and “increasing interoperability.” I think I know what interoperability is, but, seriously, would you ever use it in a game of Scrabble? Even in Silicon Valley?
I don’t think it’s crazy to believe that soon we’ll rely on AI to control dynamic lighting and everything else on our computers. Then everything on the Internet. Then everything else in life, including toast. And then, finally, it will control us, but you’ll be happy.
So, no, they’re not joking.
Image credits: feature by Julien Tromeur. Want more? Go to Robert Brancatelli. The Brancatelli Blog is a member of The Free Media Alliance, which promotes “alternatives to software, culture, and hardware monopolies.”
