“Piss Off!” Isn’t Hyphenated

I write a lot. Unfortunately, I don’t know a lot. That’s a problem, because most readers would like me to know something about the thing I’m writing about as opposed to winging it. I don’t blame them. How often do you read articles or see videos where the author hasn’t got a clue what he’s talking about? You see more of this lately, what with the presidential election in two weeks. There’s a lot of spewing going on.

As a writer, I can tell you that becoming knowledgeable or even conversant with a topic is hard work. It requires experience (the more direct, the better), research, and reflection. The amount of research varies, depending on the topic. For instance, writing about my dislike of warm subway seats involved almost no research at all, since I was familiar with the D train (see In the Hot Seat). But in considering the “freakish improbability” of human existence from the perspective of theoretical physics, I had to learn a thing or two about subatomic particle spin and electromagnetic forces (see Jesus and Mister Feynman).

Enter artificial intelligence. I have been using AI as an aide in my writing for the past few months and find it to be reliable, thorough, and quick to respond to my requests. I’ve made some wild requests, too, from the molecular structure of ketamine to acanthus leaves atop Corinthian columns and whether the police still use APB for “All Points Bulletin” in their dispatches (they do).

The most common uses, though, have been mundane. Do varietal wines take an initial cap? Is “two and a half” hyphenated? Is it “hone in” or home in”? AI has answered all of these questions, acting as my ever-efficient personal assistant (note the hyphen). It’s like having a conversation with someone as opposed to looking something up online or in a book. And the best part is it’s free. You have to buy word processing software like Microsoft Word, but you get the idea.

Like everything else in our freakishly improbable existence, though, there’s a catch. It’s a pattern that no doubt reflects the thinking either of the designer, programmer, or a product marketer. And it’s starting to drive me crazy. Not take a baseball bat to the monitor crazy like that meme making its way around social media again, but annoying enough for me to write about it, which means I’m feeling knowledgeable.

Here it is. At the end of each definition, explanation, or example AI provides, it adds a line. It’s usually a question or comment to the effect of: “Now, what do you think of that?”, “Are you planning a trip to Vilnius this fall?”, “Why are you interested in computer hacking?” I find this annoying for two reasons. First, it feels as if the AI is prying into my work, which, given that writers have all kinds of seemingly bizarre interests, could be awkward. Second, it implies that the AI has a personality, which isn’t just intrusive but creepy.

As the butcher said, that ain’t the wurst. I have seen final lines encouraging me to make that soufflé I asked about as in, “you go, girl!” Or the AI will weigh in on my chances to make crew because I asked how the seats in the boat are numbered. It’s gotten to the point where I read through the answer and brace for the “cutsie” at the end. I just searched for “cutsie” and got this: ” Ever come across something that just screams ‘cutsie’?” 🐱✨ Yes, and now I’m screaming.

The problem with giving AI a personality is precisely that you have to give it a personality. That is, you have to choose a type. But the personality they’ve chosen appears to be perfect for arranging seventh graders into small groups and having them work on chapter questions. I’m not convinced it works as effectively with other people. It doesn’t with me.

I get that this is just the beginning and, as AI gets better at mimicking human neural networks, cutsie may give rise to more effective forms of interaction. But I am reminded of the warning Geoffrey Hinton, recent recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, made about AI’s “threat” to mankind and our eventual loss of control. The evolution of AI could mean “the end of people,” he declared (see MIT Media Lab).

With that in mind, after another cutsie arrived I got so annoyed that I wrote back, telling the AI to “piss-off!” It calmly told me “piss off” isn’t hyphenated and asked what I had in mind. I told it to watch out. I keep a bat by my bed.

Image credits: feature by Allison Saeng; female robot by Xu Haiwei. Want more? Go to Robert Brancatelli. The Brancatelli Blog is a member of The Free Media Alliance, which promotes “alternatives to software, culture, and hardware monopolies.”