Roger, Bacon

I like bacon. I like its saltiness, its stringy texture, its gummy fat as I chew it. There is nothing about bacon that I don’t like despite repeated warnings about what it will do to my arteries, my heart, my blood. I say this confidently, almost defiantly, knowing that I eat bacon only once in a blue cheese moon, which puts it in the same risk category for me as smoking, which I do every year or so while sipping an 8-to-1, Limestone yellow gin martini with South American vermouth and, oddly enough, eating blue cheese (see Mittwoch Matinee: 10 Years).

Thus, I am not afraid of the damage, potential or otherwise, that bacon might do to me given its high levels of saturated fat, sodium, nitrates, and nitrites. There remains one thing, however, that I am afraid of even though most people are not. I am afraid of it, mainly because I am not a cook as anyone who has followed this blog for more than two consecutive weeks can attest.

I don’t cook, which means when I do cook, there’s a good chance I don’t cook thoroughly. Bacon, they tell me, is not one of those meats you can play around with even with all of those added substances in it. It’s incredible to me that little creatures can survive the curing process and not just live to tell their vermin friends about it but actually become squatters in my body.

A few weeks ago, I bought a package of smoked bacon made by the Wright brothers. No, that’s not quite right, but the name of the company is “Wright,” so that’s close enough. I’ve been frying it up ever since and had my last meal four days after the expiration date. Now, you should know that, for good or ill, I don’t pay attention to expiration dates. Expiation, sure; expiration, no. In fact, if you were to scrounge through my medicine cabinet, you’d find prescriptions from 2012. I live on the edge.

It wasn’t the expiration that worried me but the suspicion that I had undercooked the bacon. It tasted great, but then I remembered something about the danger of eating undercooked pork and decided to check things out on that oracle known as YouTube. Within the hour I was texting family members to get their take on Trichinella roundworms, food borne parasites, and monstruous brain worms that required emergency surgery. I pictured the scene in Alien (1979) when that pesky little alien burst out of the gut of the infested space traveler at dinner. He might as well have been eating bacon.

You can imagine my horror. So, I did what any red-blooded American would do. I reverted back to my childhood and the remedies I received then. I drank lemon juice mixed with apple cider vinegar and ate a ton of garlic. I felt certain that anything trying to wiggle its way into my cranium would be stopped in its slimy tracks. I can afford to do that since I live alone and am not dating.

The home remedy seems to have worked. My intestines haven’t exploded Alien-like, nor has my brain been eaten through, although the jury may still be out on that. I have been forgetting more and more lately. I’m not sure if the protein from bacon will help, but many men my age are taking supplements. It’s either that or eat seaweed. Truthfully, I’m not interested. I could be persuaded, however, to move to Sardinia. I hear we have family there.

The upshot of all this? I am not alone. There are quite a few people out there without family to text about bacon or anything else who need services involving nutrition, healthcare, fitness, even fashion. And, of course, mental health has always been important, not to mention spirituality and a nurturing social life. What do people do when they have their bacon moment? I see not just a need here but an opportunity.

Finally, a brief note to explain that I am responsible for the marketing slogan written in the caption above. The Wright company is free to use it provided I get a cut of sales and some free bacon. Apologies to those serious readers who expected to read something in this post about that eminent, medieval Franciscan scholar, Roger Bacon. I couldn’t resist.

Image credits: feature by Michelle @Shelly Captures It; package by Wright Brand Bacon. Want more? Go to Robert Brancatelli. The Brancatelli Blog is a member of The Free Media Alliance, which promotes “alternatives to software, culture, and hardware monopolies.”